The film begins. Out of a dense fog trots Arthur, accompanied on two
empty coconut halves by his trusty servant, Patsy. They approach a
castle. Suddenly a guard appears atop a high rampart.

Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.
King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
Guard: Who's the other one?
Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length
and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my
court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Guard: What, ridden on a horse?
Arthur: Yes.
Guard: You're using coconuts!
Arthur: What?
Guard: You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em
together!
Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.
Through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: (somewhat taken aback) We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: This is a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house maarten or the
plummer may seek warmer climes in winter, but these are not strangers
to our land!
Guard: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Arthur: Not at all! They could be carried.
Guard: (indcredulous) What, a swallow, carrying a coconut?
Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Guard: It's not a question of where 'e grips it! It's a simple question of
weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could *not* carry a one-pound
coconut!
Arthur: (exasperated)
Well it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Arthur
from the court of Camelot is here!

(pause)

Guard: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to
beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

Arthur: Please!
Guard: (patiently) Am I right.
Arthur: I'm not interested!

( A second guard appears on the rampart. )

G2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
G1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's
my point.
G2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
Arthur: (extremely exasperated) Will you ask your master if he wants to join
my court at Camelot!!

(pause)

G1: But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory.
G2: Oh yeah...

(Arthur and Patsy give up and trot away)

G1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
G2: Wait a minute! Supposing *two* swallows carried it together!
G1: Nooo..... They'd have to have it on a line...
G2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
G1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
(note: a bit is missing here because the site is crap-Tups)
Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" into a field where peasants are
working. They come up behind a cart which is being dragged by a hunched-over
peasant in ragged clothing. Patsy slows as they near the cart.

Arthur: Old Woman!

The peasant turns around, revealing that he is in fact a man.

Man: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry.... What night lives in that castle over there?
Man: I'm thirty-seven!
Arthur: (suprised) What?
Man: I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old--
Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man"...
Man: Well you could say "Dennis"--
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis!
Man: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?!
Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind, you looked--
Man: Well I object to your...you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur: Well I *am* king...
Man: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And 'ow'd you get that, eh?
(he reaches his destination and stops, dropping the cart)
By exploiting the workers! By 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
If there's ever going to be any progress,--
Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down 'ere!
(noticing Arthur) Oh! 'Ow'd'ja do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose
castle is that?
Woman: King of the 'oo?
Arthur: King of the Britons.
Woman: 'Oo are the Britons?
Arthur: Well we all are! We are all Britons! And I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we 'ad a king! I thought we were autonomous collective.
Man: (mad) You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woman: There you go, bringing class into it again...
Man: That's what it's all about! If only people would--
Arthur: Please, *please*, good people, I am in haste! WHO lives in that
castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord!
Arthur: (spurised) What??
Man: I *told* you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We're taking
turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week--
Arthur: (uninterested) Yes...
Man: But all the decisions *of* that officer 'ave to be ratified at a
special bi-weekly meeting--
Arthur: (perturbed) Yes I see!
Man: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--
Arthur: (mad) Be quiet!
Man: But by a two-thirds majority, in the case of more major--
Arthur: (very angry) BE QUIET! I *order* you to be quiet!
Woman: "Order", eh, 'oo does 'e think 'e is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Woman: Well 'ow'd you become king then?
(holy music up)
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake-- her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by
divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why
I am your king!
Man: (laughingly) Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some... farcical
aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: (yelling) BE QUIET!
Man: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some
watery tart threw a sword at you!!
Arthur: (coming forward and grabbing the man) Shut *UP*!
Man: I mean, if I went 'round, saying I was an emperor, just because some
moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: (throwing the man around) Shut up, will you, SHUT UP!
Man: Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: SHUT UP!
Man: (yelling to all the other workers) Come and see the violence inherent
in the system! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!
Arthur: (letting go and walking away) Bloody PEASANT!
Man: Oh, what a giveaway! Did'j'hear that, did'j'hear that, eh? That's
what I'm all about! Did you see 'im repressing me? You saw it,
didn't you?!
Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" along through the woods.
Suddenly they come apon a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a
heated duel with giant longswords. One is dressed in green and one in black.
Arthur stops and watches the fight.

The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many
different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is
charging the black with a battle axe, the black knight throws his sword
straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls
to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls
his sword out of the helmet. King Arthur, impressed with the black knight's
fighting, motions to Patsy and they "ride" forward.

Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
(The black knight does not respond)
Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons.
(no response)
Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my
court at Camelot.
(no response)
Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
(no response)
Arthur: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy!

As Arthur and Patsy start to ride past the black knight, he suddenly speaks:

Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: (taken aback) What?
Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross
this bridge.
Black Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Arthur: I *command* you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside.
Black Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN.
Arthur: So be it! (draws sword)

A short battle ensues, where Arthur, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily
dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the black knight. Finally, Arthur
dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the black knight's left arm off with
his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open shoulder.

Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
Arthur: A SCRATCH? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No it isn't!
Arthur: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground)
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Arthur: You LIAR!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!

There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Arthur easily cuts
off the black knight's right arm, causing it and the black knight's sword to
drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump.

Arthur: Victory is mine!
(kneeling, praying) We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy--

He is kicked onto his side by the black knight.

Black Knight: Come on, then! (kicks Arthur again)
Arthur: (on the ground) What?!?
Black Knight: (kicking him again) Have at you!
Arthur: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight
is mine!
Black Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have!
Arthur: LOOK!!!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (kicking Arthur again)
Arthur: Look, STOP that!
Black Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!
Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg!
(The Black Knight continues his kicking)
Arthur: RIGHT! (He chops off the black knight's leg with his sword)
Black Knight: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that!
Arthur: You'll *WHAT*?
Black Knight: Come 'ere!
Arthur: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm *INVINCIBLE*!!!
Arthur: You're a looney....
Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!!
(hopping around, trying to kick Arthur with his one remaining
leg)

Arthur shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Black
Knight's last appendage. The Knight falls to the ground. He looks about,
realizing he can't move.

Arthur: Okay, we'll call it a draw.
Come, Pasty! (they "ride" away)

Black Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take
what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and
take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Bedevere stands on a stage in front of a large crowd of wild villagers.

Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER!
Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch?
Villager: She looks like one!
Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!!
Bedevere: Bring her forward.

(a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She
is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose,
and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is
closed by the carrot.)

Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one.
Witch: THEY dressed me up like this.
Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't!
Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!

(Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in
fact rather small.)

Bedevere: Well?
One Villager: Well, we did do the nose.
Bedevere: The nose?
Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch!
Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!
B: Did you dress her up like this?
Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...
One Villager: yes.
Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.
Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart...
B: What makes you think she is a witch?
Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!!

(pause)

Bedevere: a newt?

(long pause)

Villager: I got better...
Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!
B: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she
is a witch!
Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!
B: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!!
B: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Villager: More Witches!
Other Villager: Wood.
B: So. Why do witches burn?

(long silence)
(shuffling of feet by the villagers)

Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood?
B: Goooood!
Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh....
B: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?
One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er!
B: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm...
B: Does wood sink in water?
One Villager: No! No, no, it floats!
Other Villager: Throw her into the pond!
Villagers: yaaaaaa!

(when order is restored)

B: What also floats in water?
Villager: Bread!
Another Villager: Apples!
Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks!
Another Villager: Cider!
Another Villager: Uh...great gravy!
Another Villager: Cherries!
Another Villager: Mud!
Another Villager: Churches! Churches!
Another Villager: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck!
Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh!
B: exACTly!
B: (to a villager) So, *logically*...
Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word)
If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood.
B: and therefore...

(pause)

Villager: A Witch!
All Villagers: A WITCH!

(they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest
scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.)

Witch: (to camera) It's a fair cop.

Thereafter follows the knighting of Bedevere and the reading of the list of
other knights:

Sir Bedevere the Wise
Sir Lancelot the Brave
Sir Galahad the Pure
Sir Robin, the Not So Brave As Sir Launcelot,
who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angor
who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
and the aptly named
Sir Not Appearing In This Film.
Launcelot: Look, my liege!

(fanfare)

Launcelot: Camelot!
Robin: Camelot!
Galahad: Camelot!
Patsy: (whispered) It's only a model.
Galahad: Shh!

Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...to
CAMELOT!

song:

We're knights of the round table, we dance whene're we're able.
We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable;
We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot.

We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able
Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able
We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot!

Though we're tough and able,
Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable,
Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable,
It's a busy life in Camelot:

I have to push the pram-a-lot!

Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Others: Right, right....
Bedevere: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's
bladders can be employed to prevent earthquakes.
Bedevere: Oh, certainly, Sir. You see,...

(Thunder)
(the clouds open and a giant animated face is seen. It speaks:)

God: Aaaarthur... Aarthur, King of the Britons...

(the knights fall to their knees)

God: Oh don't grovel!
Arthur: Sorry, Lord...
God: And DON'T apologize!! Every time I try to talk to somebody, its "I'm
sorry" this and "forgive me" that and "I'm not *worthy*"... It's like
those miserable Psalms--they're soooo depressing!
Arthur: Yes, Lord.
God: What're you doing now?
Arthur: Averting my eyes, o Lord.
God: Well KNOCK IT OFF!
Arthur: Yes, Lord.
God: Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, I have decided to set you a task as
an example in these dark times.
Arthur: Good idear, o Lord!
God: (thunder) 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! Now: this is the Holy Grail.
(giant picture of a golden, jewel-encrusted grail appears in the sky)
(heavenly music)
Look well, Arthur: It is your mission to seek this Grail. That is your
purpose, Arthur: The Quest for the Holy Grail!

(the clouds slam shut.)

Arthur: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
Lancelot: God be praised!
King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants,
"ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn.

Arthur: HELLO!

(waits)

Bedevere: HELLO!

(waits)

An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart.
It speaks in an outrageous French accent.

Soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it?
Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.
Whose castle is this?
S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard.
A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us
in our quest for the Holy Grail.
S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got
one, you see?
A: What?
Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one!
A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?
S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.
(to the other soldiers:) I told 'em we've already *got* one!
(they snicker)
A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?
S: Of course not! You are English types.
A: Well, what are you then?
S: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous
accent, you silly king?!
A: What are you doing in *England*?
S: Mind your own business!
A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a
silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and
all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!

(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his
tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)

Lancelot: What a strange person.
A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough
wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and
your father smelt of elderberries!
Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
S: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Note: the Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python |
|and the Holy Grail cuts here, returning to transcript in transcript #8A, |
|STORY PYTHON. The rest of this transcript does not appear on the Album. |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
(pause)

A: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....
S: (to four other soldiers, standing behind him on the rampart)
Fetchez la vache.
Other Soldier: qua?
S: Fetchez la vache!

(the other soldiers are seen leading a cow... mooing noises)

A: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--

(Boing! The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart...
A: Jesus Christ!
(...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen. Various crying-outs
from Arthur's party.)

A: (determined) Right!
(drawing sword) CHARGE!
Rest of Arthur's Party: CHAAAARGE!

(As they run towards the French Castle, swords drawn, they are met by a huge
onslaught of live animals of all sizes, that come plummeting down from the
ramparts of the castle. Amid screams, they all turn back before even reaching
the castle walls, save Launcelot, who reaches the stone wall in time to give
it one stroke with his sword before retreating.)

French Soldier: (throwing down a goose) Hey, this one is for your mother!
(and a duck) And this one's for your gran!

Arthur's party: (hastily retreating) Run away!
RUN AWAAAAY!

Launcelot: (as they hunker down behind a grassy knoll out of flying-animal's
reach of the castle) Fiends, I'll tear them apart!
Arthur: No no, no!!
Bedevere: (to Arthur) Sir... I have a plan, sir.

There follows a long scene where the french soldier, stationed atop the
rampart, surveys the surrounding countryside and sees nothing, but hears
various sounds of construction (hammering, the felling of trees, chain saws
being operated) from the woods. Eventually, amid a great squeaking of wooden
wheels, a giant wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the forest by Arthur's group.
They wheel it right up to the front gates of the French Castle and leave it
there, returning to their concealed spot behind the knoll to watch.


A minute later, the castle gate opens and a french soldier peeks out.
His head disappears and he can be heard speaking with the others.

Soldier: C'est la Paune, le patabua! (corrections anyone?)
2nd Soldier: Qua?

Three soliders' heads appear around the end of the door and disappear again.

Soldier: Un Cadeau!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: A present!
2nd Soldier: Ah, un Cadeau!
Soldier: Allons-y, allons-y!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: Let's go!
2nd Soldier: Ah!

The three French Soldiers creep out and wheel the rabbit into the castle,
closing the gate behind them.

behind the knoll:
Arthur: (to Bedevere) What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad and I, uh, wait until nightfall,
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by suprise.
Not only by suprise, but totally alarmed!
Arthur: *Who* leaps out?
Bedevere: (pointing to each knight as he names him) Uh... Launcelot, Galahad,
and I.... uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and, uh....
Launcelot: (groans)
Bedevere: (pause) Oh... um, look, if we built this large wooden Badger....
Arthur knocks him on the head.

Just then, the rabbit comes soaring over the castle wall. The party disbands
amid great shouts of "Run away, run away!", but the rabbit lands on yet
another helpless footman. Cries of distress.


*** Snap! "Picture for schools, take eight." ***

An old historian is standing in the woods, offering commentary on the story.

Director: (off camera) Action!

Historian: (to camera) Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him
completely by suprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new
strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be
brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his
closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for
the Grail individually. Now this is what they did....

A knight in full armor rides past on horseback, cutting off the Historian's
head in the process.

Historian's Wife: (running out from behind the camera): Brian!
** The Tale of Sir Robin. **

So, each of the knights went their separate ways.
Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his
favorite minstrels.


Minstrel: song:

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Brought forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,
And his peni--

Robin: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks
like there's dirty work afoot.

As mysterious music comes up, Robin and his minstrels pass Dennis, from the
PEASANT sketch, and his wife.

Dennis: Anarcho-syndicism is a way of *preserving* freedom!
His Wife: Oh, Dennis, *forget* about freedom! We 'aven't got enough mud!

They also pass three signs that read:
_________________ _______________________
(____ CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 ______)
( CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 )
( CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 )
(____________) (_________________)

A little further on, he passes on the far side of a tree, on which, on the
near side, three knights are impaled on a single lance.

Suddenly, just as Sir Robin is at his most nervous:
-------- at this point, the movie and album go their separate ways: -----------

--------------------------------in the movie-----------------------------------
Three headed knight: HALT!!! WHO ART THOU???
Minstrel: He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin,
Who--
Robin: Shut up!!! (to the knight) Um, n-n-nobody, really, I-I-I-
J-Just, um, j-just passing through.
Three headed knight: WHAT DO YOU WANT???
Minstrel: To fight, and--
Robin: SHUT UP!!! Um, ooh, n-nothing, nothing, really, I-I-I,
j-just, just to, um, just to... p-p-pass through, good
sir knight?
Three headed knight: I'M AFRAID NOT!!!
Robin: Ah. (pause) Well, actually, I...I am a knight of the
round table....
Three-headed knight: You're a knight of the Round Table???
Robin: I am.

Three-headed knight:
Left: In that case I shall have to kill you.
Middle: Shall I?
Right: Oh, I don't think so.
Middle: Well what do I think?
Left: I think, kill it!
Right: Oh, Let's be nice to him.
Left: Oh, shut up!
Middle: Perhaps...
Left: And you! Quick, get the sword out, I want to cut 'is head off!
Right: Oh, cut your own head off.
Middle: Yes, do us all a favor!
Left: What?!!
Right: Yappin' on, all the time...
Middle: You're lucky; you're not next to him!
Left: What d'you mean??
Middle: You SNORE!
Left: Ooh, I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath!
Middle: Well it's only 'cause you don't brush my teeth!
Right: Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea!
Left: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first, and then have
tea and biscuits.
Middle: Yes.
Right: Oh, Not biscuits.
Left: All right, all right, not biscuits, but let's KILL HIM ANYWAY.
All: RIGHT.
(pause: the three look around. No one is there.)

---------------------------------on the album----------------------------------
Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest
creature for *yards* around!
For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the
onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was
his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his
tactics!
---------------------record and film in agreement again------------------------

Left: 'E's backed off!
Right: So 'e has, 'e's scarfed!


Minstrel: Robin:

Brave Sir Robin ran away. No!
Bravely ran away away.... I didn't!

When Danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled No!!
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't!
And gallantly chickened out..

Bravely taking to his feet I never did!
He beat a very brave retreat All lies!
Brave as ??-??, brave Sir Robin! I never!

Voice over from the album: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more
than a swallow's flight away, had discovered
something.
(After scene 24, which has not been transcribed due to its lack of funny bits,
Arthur and Bedevere find themselves in the middle of a forest. Suddenly,
they are surrounded by 8-foot-tall knights with horns on their helmets: the
infamous Knights of Ni.)

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter
who lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" again to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want.....

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!
(minor music)
Arthur: A *WHAT*?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive.
Arthur: Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!

(a brief glimpse of the now-dead historian, with his wife talking to two
policemen and pointing the way that the knight went)

(screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, interrupted by the animation sketch
"Bloody Weather")

(screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, this time followed by the Tale of Sir
Launcelot ( see SWAMP PYTHON, transcript #12 from the film ))

Scene: Arthur and Bedevere, in a nearby village, where an old crone is beating
a cat. They stop and talk to her.

Arthur: Old Crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a
*shrubbery*?
(minor music)

Old Crone: Who sent you?
Arthur: The Knights Who Say "Ni!".
Old Crone: Aaaugh! No. Never, we have no shrubberies here.
Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and
I... will say... we will say... "Ni!".
Old Crone: Aaaugh! Do your worst!
Arthur: VERY WELL! If you will not assist us voluntarily.....
(he and Bedevere look around to see if anyone is looking)
Ni!
Old Crone: (in pain) No! Never! No shrubbery!!
Arthur: Ni!
Bedevere: Noo! Noo--

o!

(scene change: Arthur and Bedevere standing in front of a low shrubbery,
surrounded by a 1-foot-high picket fence. The Knights of Ni are examining the
shrubbery.)

Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knight of Ni: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem.
Arthur: What is that?
Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!

Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang,
zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm".
Other Knight of Ni: Ni!
Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of.....
Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find....

ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!
(minor music)
Arthur: Not *another* shrubbery!!
Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery,
you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly
higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path
running down the middle.
Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!
Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...
Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!
(minor music)

Arthur: We shall do no such thing!
Knight of Ni: Oh, please!
Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!
Knights of Ni: AAugh! AAAAAH! Oww!! (writhe in pain)
Knight of Ni: Don't say that word!
Arthur: What word?
Knight of Ni: I cannot tell; suffice to say, it is one of the words the
Knights of Ni cannot hear!
Arthur: How we *not* say the word if you don't tell us what it is?!
(Knights of Ni are in pain again)
Knight of Ni: Ahhhh! 'E said it again!
Arthur: What, "is"?
Knight of Ni: No, not "is"! You wouldn't get very far in life not saying
"is"!
Bedevere: My liege! It's Sir Robin!

Sir Robin and his minstrels "ride" up.

Minstrels (singing): He's sacking it in, and packing it up,
and sneaking away, and buggering up,
And chickening out, and pissing a pole...
Arthur: Sir Robin!
Robin: My liege! It's good to see you!
Knight of Ni: Now *'e* said the word!
Arthur: Surely you've not given up the quest for the Holy Grail!
Minstrels, by way of answering:
He's sneaking away, and buggering up,
Robin: Shut Up!
No no, no, far from it!
Knight of Ni: 'E said the word again!
Robin: ...I was...looking for it...
Knights of Ni: AAAAAAAuugh!
Robin: uh, here--here in this...forest.
Arthur: No, it is far from this place.
Knight of Ni: Aaaaaaugh! Stop saying the word!!!!
Arthur: (getting really annoyed with the Knights of Ni) OH, STOP IT!!
Knight of Ni: Ow! He said it again!
Arthur: Patsy! (motions all of his party to move on)
Knight of Ni: Wait! I said it! I said it!
Oh! I've said it again!
And there again...that's three hits!
Arthur, Bedevere, and Sir Robin ride off with the minstrels and Patsy.

Voice over, with animation:

And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the
enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.

Beyond the forest they met Launcelot, and Galahad, and there was much
rejoicing.

In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels...
and there was much rejoicing.

A year passed.

Winter changed into spring;
Spring changed into summer;
Summer changed back into winter;
And winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn.

Until one day.

(we skip the "tim the enchanter" scene and...)
The knights rush into a cave, huffing and puffing, to take cover from the
vicious onslaught of the Killer Rabbit.

Arthur: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!
Bedevere: Okay, how many did we lose?
Arthur: Well...Gawain...Ector...and Bors. That's five.
Bedevere: Three, Sire!
Arthur: Three. And we can't risk another try, that rabbit's dynamite!
All: Hmmmm..
Robin: Maybe if we attack it, it will get confused, and make a mistake!

(pause)

Arthur: Like what?
(longer pause)
Robin: Ummmm....
Lancelot: Have we got bows?
Arthur: (quickly) No.
Galahad: (brightly) We *have* the Holy Hand Grenade, Sir!
Arthur: Of course! 'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard
carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: (Chant)
Die Jesu domine,
Dona eis requiem.
Die Jesu domine,
Dona eis requiem.

(Pause. Arthur examines the hand grenade, turning it over in his hands.)
Arthur: How does it....How does it work?
High Priest: I know not, my leige.
Arthur: Consult the book of Armaments!
High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Brother Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
smash our enemies to tiny bits."
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the
lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
lima bean-
High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
Brother Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying:
"First, shalt thou take out the holy pin.
Then shalt thou count to three.
No more, no less.
*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number
of the counting shall be three.
*Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two,
excepting that thou then goest on to three.
Five is RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third
number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade
to-wards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff
it. Amen.
All: Amen.
Arthur: Right! (pulls pin)
One!
Two!
Five!
Bedevere: Three, Sire!!
Arthur: Three! (throws hand grenade at the Killer Rabbit)

(holy music)

KABOOM

Narrator: As the horrendous black beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and
his knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly, the animator suffered a
fatal heart attack! The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for
the Holy Grail could continue.

( Arthur and his knights are hacking their way through thick underbrush
when suddenly... )

Arthur: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
Robin: (in despair) Oh, great.
Arthur: Look! There's the old man from Scene 24!
Bedevere: What is he doing here?
Arthur: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller
five questions--
Galahad: Three questions--
Arthur: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Galahad: Three questions--
Arthur: (perturbed) --three questions, may cross in safety.
Robin: What if you get a question wrong?
Arthur: Then you are cast...into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!!!
Robin: Oh, I won't go!
Galahad: Who's going to answer the questions?
Arthur: Sir Robin!
Robin: (suprised) Yes?
Arthur: (continuing) Brave Sir Robin, you go.

(pause)

Robin: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Launcelot go?
Launcelot: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded.
(about to draw sword) I shall make a feint to the North-East, and
then--
Arthur: No, no, no... hang on, hang on, hang on!
*Just* answer the five questions--
Galahad: Three questions--
Arthur: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch. And pray.
Launcelot: (sheathing sword) I understand, my liege.
Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot! God be with you!

(Launcelot approaches the bridge. Suddenly, the BRIDGEKEEPER speaks. )

Bridgekeeper: (cackling nastily)
STOP!
Who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.
Launcelot: (stoically) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid!
Bridgekeeper: (cackling all the while) What...is your name?
Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?
Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color?
Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Right, off you go.

(pause)

Lancelot: (realizing that was it) Oh, thank you. Thank you very much!

(and off he goes. The knights look at each other.)

Robin: That's EASY!!!
(A mad rush for the bridge. Robin arrives first. The knights cluster behind.
A few sniff and wrinkle their noses, and the group backs off.)

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.
Robin: (excitedly) Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your name?
Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What...is you quest?
Robin: To seek the Holy Grail!
Bridgekeeper: What...is the capital of Assyria?

(pause)

Robin: (indignant) I don't know THAT!! (An unseen force whisks him up and over
the side.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(The knights pause, realizing this may be a bit tougher than all that.)

**** Note: The following bit was cut from the movie. ****

Bedevere: What shall we do, sire?
Arthur: Well, I'm not sure, but...
Bridgekeeper: (off) What...goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
Sir Gawain: (off) Uh...er...ah...Babylon? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

**** Movie resumes. ****

( Galahad approaches the bridge. )

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
What...is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot!
Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color?
Galahad: (relieved) Blue! (starts across; oops) No! YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!

(Arthur steps forward... the Bridgekeeper cackles some more.)

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
Bridgekeeper: What...is *your* name?
Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons!
Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?
Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail!
Bridgekeeper: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Arthur: (brief pause) What do you mean, an African or European swallow?

Bridgekeeper: (confused) Huh? What? I...I don't know that...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHHHH!
(he is thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.)
Arthur crosses the bridge.
Bedevere: (crossing behind Arthur) How do you know so much about swallows?
Arthur: Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a
king, you know...

Unfortunately this is where the internet version ends

Thay all see the castle

"ha you are English pigs pa"
"not you again"

they al charge

okay sir

"okay sonny turn that off"
(hand over camera"

THE END